My Sunday Night Prayers

It's been a while since I last posted in this blog.

Today is Sunday night, close to midnight actually. My daughter just fell asleep half an hour ago. But here I am, sitting in a big bed which was supposed to be for me and my husband. But since he has been working away from Singapore for quite a while, my daughter has been sleeping on my bed.

She's really an angel. Although she can be stubborn, but she does listen to me when I started to raise my voice. Then she will start to get whiny, calling "mommy...huhu...mommy...huhu.." and will keep on saying that until a smile appears on my face. She will then smile widely and happily back at me. Such a sweet girl, love her so much.

But tonight, unlike the other nights where I can easily sleep together with my daughter, side by side, I could not put my mind at ease tonight. There is this weird feeling, uneasy, and loneliness that hit me really bad.

I am having a flashback at my life, what have I done in the past, what were the good ones and also the bad ones. To my surprise, I could not really remember clearly what had happened along the way, how could I get here, at this point of my life.

There were so many choices I could have made in the past, that definitely will give me feelings of satisfaction now. But yet, I chose this choice which led me feeling sorrowful and regretful now. If I had chosen different path, I would have ended up in much much much better place than I am currently in now. And to make my regrets worse, there were sooo many clues and hints and facts, all were pointing not to take the path I chose, yet I neglected all those and still made my choice anyway.

I know, I know, that regrets are not doing any good. It's not like I could choose the other option now. You know what, there were sooo many times when I really really wish that this is all a dream, and I could wake up from this bad dream of mine, and made the other choice.

And now I am stuck in this sadness and loneliness, it feels as if I am losing my mind. I understand that this is my hormone talking, but yet I still feel very miserable, and I just could not help it.

I really wish this is all just a dream, but reality check really bites me hard. I think I need to do some consultation with the expert, because this feeling has been haunting me for years.

And sometimes, I do wish I could ask, or to be more precise, ask for explanation from the God, as to why He thought this path suited me. Although He did mentioned that there was a better path for me out there compared to this one, yet I was so stubborn and neglect all other clues I got along the way. Yet, He okayed on this path at the first place.

So I ask for help from you my God, to help ease my endless worriness and sorrows, and may You always bless us all along the way, so we could make a better path for ourselves.
I pray hard for You to help me understand this and to help me get through this.